Is There a Purpose to This?

Recently I have been taking a very real, almost painful look at my life and especially my walk with Christ. As the mother of 4 children, I have to say that most of my adult life has been spent in some sort of chaos -- hence the name of my blog.

I have gone through giving birth, job loss, financial trials, giving birth, job loss, moving, moving, giving birth, purchasing a house, giving birth, depression, moving, selling a house, buying a house, graduate school and job change, all while drawing close to God and then questioning His very existence. My Christian walk has been beyond chaotic and I am tired of the roller coaster ride.

Don't get me wrong -- I love roller coasters. I love the thrill of them, the unknown twists and turns that await around each curve. But my walk with Jesus should not be a roller coaster. Yes, there will be unexpected surprises in life, but I am learning that I don't really want to zoom past those unexpected surprises without examining why God placed them there. Spending my time chasing after young children didn't really leave me much time to examination, however.

Now that my children are getting older and life is starting to calm down a little, I am left with these questions that are eating at me: What is my purpose? How can I hear His voice? What does God want me to do now? Not in the what's-coming-in-the-future now, but what does He want me to do right now. At this very moment.

I was quite surprised when I was reading my devotion this morning and it was all about finding the purpose in where I am. Right now. At this very moment. The entire reading was about finding meaning in each and every thing that I do each and every day.

While organizing the linen closet may not be a life altering event, it is a way that I have ministered to my family. They can now find the sheets that fit their beds without having to dig through a potential avalanche of bedding.

While my students may not appreciate the posted assignments they have been asked to complete while we have been dealing with the snow, ice and cold that has hit our part of the country, I have shown that I care about them and their education.

These are small gestures that have required me to do little more than spend a few minutes in our hallway or on my computer. But because I have done them for God, for His glory, they are grand gestures in His eyes. Because I have done them with love in my heart and not a grudging, grumbling countenance, I have brought glory to Him in my everyday, mundane.

My Christian walk may never be un-chaotic. I am always going to be learning to depend on Him and I am always going to be the stubborn, strong-willed child who thinks I know better. But I am hoping that each day I can step a little closer to Him, a little farther from the roller coaster. Maybe by learning to love where I am and what I am doing will help me be more open to where He is sending me. Maybe by showing that I can be content in the every day and ordinary, God will open an opportunity for the out of the way and extraordinary.

I truly hope and pray for that.